South Park: Legend of Zaron
by Fireball Dragon
Summary: A novelization of The Stick of Truth. Join Gale, AKA the New Kid (His appearance is on the cover image) as he takes part in a weird LARP, learns to seize the day, and makes new friends along the way! Includes a talking New Kid and a couple of other OCs made specifically for this story. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**South Park: Legend of Zaron – A South Park: The Stick of Truth Novelization Fanfiction by Fireball Dragon**

 **Chapter #1: He's Here! The New Kid with the Power of Gale-Force Winds!**

 **South Park belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Comedy Central.**

 **South Park: The Stick of Truth belongs to Obsidian Entertainment, South Park Digital Studios, and Ubisoft.**

 **I only own the custom-made persona used for the New Kid.**

" _Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard._

 _For a thousand years, the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the humans' most treasured relic: The Stick of Truth._

 _But the tides of war are seen to change, as news of a "new" kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid – before the Drow elves can manipulate their mind and use them, to take the sacred relic from human hands. For whomever controls the Stick... Controls the universe."_

It was a bright and sunny afternoon in South Park, Colorado. Perfect for playing outdoors. And many of the children in South Park certainly agreed, as they banded together to play their favorite LARP; Fighters of Zaron.

They played Fighters of Zaron with fun and enthusiasm, but things were only going to get better from there, as a new family was just about to move in, with a new kid joining in to play.

His name… was simply Gale.

Gale was… an odd sort of kid. Always moving from town to town for reasons he himself didn't even know. Sporting long messy black hair and a red jacket with a blue scarf, he had quite a contrasting appearance as opposed to the rest of his peers. Well, whatever peers he had at the time. He never really had much time to make friends.

Not like he didn't want to, mind you.

Always having to move with very little time to connect with anyone left him pretty lonely. But this time was going to be different. This time, Gale was going to move where he'd be there to stay. And he'd make plenty of friends along the way.

Friends, enemies, love, anger, sorrow… Gale would encounter all of these and more during his adventures in South Park.

Gale and his parents finally finished moving into their new house in South Park. The moving truck was still outside, the back virtually empty. Inside their new living room/dining room, Gale's parents were carrying the last of the boxes filled with their possessions inside. It took them quite a while to move everything in. But they DID eventually move everything in.

Putting down the box that was just in his hands, Gale's dad let out a huff of relief.

"Well, I think that's everything," said Gale's dad.

"We did it hon, we're really moved in!" Sighed Gale's mom in relief.

"It's a new beginning for us." Gale's dad said with a slight tone of triumph in his voice. "Things are finally going to be good!"

However, Gale's mom showed slight concern as she replied with "Do you really think it will be better for… him?"

Gale's dad understood what she was talking about and tried to reassure her by saying "They won't look for him here, we just need to make sure he doesn't attract any attention. Come on, let's see how he's doing."

They then went upstairs, and Gale's mom knocked on his door. "Sweetie?" She asked. "Hon, you all dressed?" And even though she respected his privacy by knocking, they asserted their authority as his parents by coming in anyway.

After opening the door, they saw Gale staring off into the ceiling, not sure what exactly was on his mind. Wanting to know just what his son was thinking, Gale's dad inquired with "Hey, champ. How do you like your new room?" Gale wasn't sure what to say.

"I know it's a big change for all of us, but…" Gale's dad followed up with. "Son, do you REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?" Gale was still at a loss for words.

"He doesn't remember." Gale's dad whispered to his mom. "He doesn't remember at all," she whispered back. "That's good. That's good he doesn't remember."

Now focusing back on Gale, his mom asked "Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"

"Right, get outside and PLAY, son. Like… like normal kids." Added his father.

And finally, Gale spoke.

"So… I can finally make friends… Like a normal kid?" His voice was somewhat hesitant, making it clear he still wasn't used to this new move.

"Of course! Go outside and play!" His dad reassured. "We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie," Gale's mom added. "Just… be back before it gets dark."

Gale still wasn't sure what to say. At the time, he could only say "…Thanks."

"Yeah, we love you too." Gale's dad snarked.

As his parents left his room, Gale thought to himself. _"God damn it, every time I get settled into a new place, we end up having to move. All I've ever wanted was to play with other kids like everyone else. But it never lasts. How can I be so sure this won't go wrong again?"_

Gale put his hand on his forehead in annoyance. _"Whatever. I might as well enjoy what time I have here. If I have to end up moving again, tough shit."_

Suddenly, Gale heard some noise just outside his window. Catching him in surprise after being lost in thought, he decided to look outside. There he saw two kids, who had to be just around his age, apparently play-fighting on the sidewalk.

One kid was dressed like an elven warrior, with fake pointy ears, a wooden sword, and everything. The other was a meek-looking sort of boy with short blonde hair, dressed in some weird flowy medieval getup, fighting the elf kid with a hammer.

" _Are they… LARPing?"_ Intrigued, Gale ran downstairs, grabbed the money his parents left on the kitchen counter, and ran outside his front door. His parents were elated that he was finally raring to go outside and play.

"Would you look at that, hon?" Gale's mom said with a smile. "I can't remember the last time Gale's been so full of beans."

"Hopefully it stays that way." Gale's dad replied. "I don't want them to come after us again." "Don't jinx it!" Gale's mom retorted.

"You shall die by my warhammer, Drow Elf!" The blonde boy declared. "Nuh uh!" The elf boy argued.

"I banish thee to the forest realm!" Said the blonde boy. "No way, I banished you first!" Just after saying that, the elf seemed to gain the upper hand in their little scuffle. "Ha HA! You can't hold out much longer!" He gloated. "HELP! SOMEBODY! I can't hold out much longer!"

Gale charged at the elf with righteous indignation. "Hey! You leave that kid alone, asshole!" He swung his fist across the elf's face, staggering him. "Hey, no fair. That's cheating!" Cried the elf kid. "I'm gonna tell my mom!" He shouted as he ran off. Breathing a sigh of relief, the blonde kid looked at Gale in surprise.

"Are you okay?" Gale asked. "That kid wasn't bullying you, was he?" The blonde kid then realized that Gale was new to these parts. "No, no," He assured Gale with. "We were just playing. It's all part of the game 'Fighters of Zaron.' All the boys in town are playing!"

Gale was surprised. "Everyone? Everyone's playing a single game?" "Well, just the boys." The blonde replied. "The Wizard King didn't want any girls to play." Gale wasn't sure what to say about that.

"Oh! I forgot to thank you!" The blonde then realized. "Thanks, kid! I didn't realize he had a health potion." "Uh, no problem." Gale muttered, still unsure what to make of this whole situation.

Finally, the blonde kid told Gale his name. "My-my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin!" "Butters?" Gale inquired. "What is that, your character name?"

"No, it's just what everyone calls me," Butters confirmed. "My real name's Leopold. What's yours?" "…Gale. I just moved here."

"Oh, I know that." Butters replied. "In fact, I live right next door to you. We should be friends!" "Friends?" Gale said in shock. "You… really wanna be my friend?"

"Well, sure!" Butters said. "Why the heck not?" Gale looked down in contemplation. _"I've only met this kid for less than a minute, and he already wants to be my friend. …How long is this going to last?"_

"Are you… okay?" Butters inquired. "Huh!?" Gale's attention was once again brought back to Butters. "Oh-oh yeah, I'm fine, I guess… Friend." Even though he said that, for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to smile.

"Well, that's good to hear! Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival!" Butters said eagerly. "He has?" Gale was curious about this "Wizard King." Just what was he like?

"Where IS this Wizard King guy?" Gale asked. "The Wizard lives this way, in the green house, over there!" Butters then prompted Gale to follow him. Gale followed.

Butters wanted to know more about his new neighbor, so he decided to make conversation. "Hey, where're you from?" He asked. "…Illinois." Gale replied. "Where'd you live before moving here?" "Several places, but most recently, Louisiana." "Do you like Colorado?" "I've only been here for a day and a half. I wouldn't know."

"Well, I'm sure you'll love it here, just like me!" Butters reassured. He then knocked on the door of what was apparently the house of the Wizard King. The door opened to reveal a young boy who was dressed in wizardly clothing, and who was also very fat.

"All hail the Grand Wizard!" Butters declared. _"Well, he certainly LOOKS like a wizard."_ Gale thought to himself. _"But god damn, for a kid his age, he's really fucking fat."_

"So, you are the New Kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell-Banker." Said the wizard. "I am the Wizard King." Butters leaned over slightly to Gale. "His real name's Eric Cartman," he confirmed.

"But the time for talk is not nigh," Cartman retorted. "Let me show you my kingdom." Butters and Gale followed him inside.

As they went past Cartman's living room, Gale saw that Cartman's mom was sitting on the couch, watching TV. "Ooh, who's your new friend, Eric?" She asked. "Shut up, mom. Not now." He argued.

As they went further back into the house, Gale saw Cartman's backyard, which was decorated like a medieval kingdom. Or at least, the closest it could look made by a bunch of little kids. "Welcome… to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!" Cartman announced.

" _They must really be into this game to deck out someone's backyard like this."_ Gale thought in amazement. Walking over to a young boy with brown hair and a helmet, Cartman continued his narration. "Our weapons shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 Warrior."

He then walked over to another young boy with short brown hair, freckles, and a somewhat paler complexion, almost sickly, in fact. The boy happened to be tending to a cat inside a small pen, a small sign on the side labeling the pen "Stables." "Here you can you see our massive stables," Cartman continued further. "Overseen by the level 9 Ranger Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes."

" _Well, that was awfully blunt."_ Gale silently chided. But just then, Cartman went over to a giant tent, where another kid happened to be standing.

"And here, of course," Cartman concluded, "is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny, the fairest maiden in the kingdom." Gale was somewhat confused. They had a girl in their ranks? He leaned over to Butters and whispered, "I thought you said he didn't want girls to play."

"Oh, Kenny's actually a boy," Butters confirmed. "He's just playing as a girl right now." "What?" Gale said out loud, pretty dumbfounded at the revelation. Cartman stepped in to try and put things in context. "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how seems to be rolling right now." "…Okay." Gale just decided to roll with it as well, walking towards Cartman and Butters, who stood by his side.

"You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger." Cartman explained. "I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom."

Gale STILL wasn't sure to make of this whole situation. All the boys in this town playing some sort of LARP? What was the story? What was the goal? But he decided to just roll with it, because this was the first time people wanted him involved in a game as deep as this. It actually kind of tickled him.

"I know you are very excited," Continued Cartman. "It's time for your first quest. But first; please tell us thy name."

Gale cleared his throat. "Gale. My name is Gale." "Gale?" Cartman snickered. "Dude, that kinda sounds like 'gay.' What a gay-ass name."

Offended, Gale put his fists on his hips and retorted with "They call me that because I can control gale-force winds!"

"What?" Cartman asked dumbfoundedly.

Just then, Gale let out a sizably loud fart. Cartman and Butters covered their noses in shock.

"Holy hamburgers!" Butters cried. "Fuckin' sick!" Cartman yelled. But a few seconds after the fart dissipated, the two couldn't help but laugh.

"No, dude, that was actually a fuckin' killer fart right there." Cartman chuckled. "I think you're gonna fit in here just fine." Gale was actually somewhat elated to hear that. For a minute, he completely forgot about all the other times he had tried to make friends, only for those times to be ruined by having to move to a new place.

"Very well, Gale." Cartman decreed. "You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew."

Not wanting to ask why Jew was a character class, Gale made his decision. "I choose the Fighter class."

Upon his choice, Cartman decided to announce, "We welcome to our kingdom, Gale the Fighter!"

"Hooray!" Cheered Butters.

"Now, please go and visit the weapons shop," Cartman instructed. "Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight."

Gale made his way over to Clyde. "Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler?" Clyde said in a somewhat forced manner.

"Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars?" Curious, Gale offered him two bucks. "Don't waste your money on tips and rumors."

"HEY!" Gale shouted. "Are you gonna buy a weapon or not?" Clyde asked.

"Oh, fine, you little crook." Gale grumbled. "Gimme the Warrior's Blade." "Ah, a lovely purchase." Clyde said flatly.

After the somewhat dodgy transaction, Cartman then went up to Gale and Clyde. "Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and with the bravery of a noble knight - beat up Clyde."

"What!?" Clyde blurted out, flabbergasted. "Kick Clyde's ass, Gale." Instructed Cartman.

"With pleasure." Gale was still a little sore from Clyde tricking him out of two dollars.

"What'd I do!?" Clyde protested. "I'm the KING, Clyde," Cartman argued. "And the King wishes to be amused. Go on Gale, kick his ass."

It was time for Gale's first fight in Zaron.

Clyde was pissed. "I'm gonna kick your ass!" "Not if I kick yours first!" Gale retorted.

Cartman, overseeing the fight, instructed Gale with "All right Gale, bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy." Gale then charged over to Clyde, and the two traded blows with their makeshift swords. Gale was actually able to deal a good amount of damage onto Clyde.

"Oh, hell yeah!" Cartman cheered. "Clyde's your bitch!" But surprisingly, Clyde was able to shrug off Gale's blows relatively fast.

"What the fuck?" Gale muttered. "Oh, yeah, Clyde's wearing armor, Gale." Cartman informed. "In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can." Taking a deep breath, Gale then continued his attacks, putting more and more energy into each swing of his sword, even managing to draw blood from Clyde.

"Oh shit, dude, I think I see blood!" Cartman remarked. "Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that." All this praise was actually kind of getting to Gale's head, as Cartman continued to instruct him.

"Okay, listen up. The key to surviving in battle is not to get hit in the balls." Regaining focus, Gale asked, "The important thing is to protect my balls?" But as he asked that, Clyde took this opportunity to attack Gale, staggering him.

Gale was sent bending over on one knee, glaring at Clyde, who had a smug grin on his face. "Ha! Way to leave yourself open, douchebag!" He gloated.

"No, no, I said PROTECT. PROTECT your balls," Cartman scolded. Clyde then continued his counterattack, but Gale regained his composure and successfully defended. Despite his defense not fully nullifying the damage from Clyde's barrage, it became clear from these first few exchanges that Clyde's stamina was running out at a faster pace than Gale's.

"YES! That's what I'm talking about!" Praised Cartman. "Dude, you're already WAY better than Clyde." Gale could see that Clyde was getting significantly pissed.

"All right," Cartman continued. "It is time to use your heroic powers. Using your ability takes Power Points, or PP for short." Clyde could not help but chuckle. "Hehehehe, PP…"

Infuriated, Cartman bellowed in argument, "IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM, THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING AND I SAY IT'S PP!" Gale had to force back his laughter at Cartman's little fit.

"Gale, use your Fighter ability to make Clyde pay for insulting the king!" Cartman then tossed a baseball and baseball bat over to Gale.

"What the hell?" Gale said dumbfoundedly. Cartman then explained. "This is your first Fighter ability, Gale: Assault and Battery. Use the bat to knock the baseball into Clyde's face." Gale was, once again, at a loss for words. "You DO have good hand-eye coordination, right?" Cartman inquired.

Choosing to roll with it like everything else in this weird-ass game, Gale then started to use his ability, but not before saying it out loud, like some sort of goddamn anime character. "Assault…" Gale threw the baseball up in the air. "And…" Gale prepared to swing. "Battery!"

The bat connected with the baseball perfectly, sending the ball right between Clyde's eyes, knocking him flat on his ass.

"Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Gale. Now do it one more time. Finish him!" Shouted Cartman. "What!?" Clyde yelled in irritation. "I was going easy. Take this!" The final exchange began.

Gale had finally gotten used to Clyde's movements, and Clyde ended up wasting the last of his strength. After swinging his bat straight a few more times into Clyde's helplessly crying body, Gale's victory was all but made clear. Gale had just won his first fight.

"Hahahaha!" Cartman cackled gleefully. "Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like 'Aaghghg, noo!' Hahahaha!" Gale held back a smile as Cartman regained his composure.

"Okay, okay. You've proved yourself worthy, Gale. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic." "Relic?" Gale asked. "You'll see. Now come." Cartman headed inside the big tent and Gale followed. Little did they know that a darkness was festering inside Clyde. A darkness born of jealousy and humiliation.

But even HE did not know that from a faraway distance, the elven kid from before had been spying on Kupa Keep this entire time. Bringing out a walkie-talkie, he whispered, "Yeah, the New Kid's just joined their ranks. His name's Gale. He actually took down a level 14 Warrior on his first try!"

On the other side of the comm line, a boy in armor and a red poofball hat replied with "His first try? Fuck, that dude sounds dangerous!" But he decided not to focus on that right now. "No, wait, forget about him. Are the troops ready?"

"Ready on your orders, Ranger Stan." Stan then took a second to think, but then a kid in a green earflapped hat spoke out from behind him. "Stan. We must attack NOW." It was the Elf King of Larnion, sitting on his throne. "Got it, Kyle." Stan replied. "Drow Elves… Attack."

 **To be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2

**South Park: Legend of Zaron – A South Park: The Stick of Truth Novelization Fanfiction by Fireball Dragon**

 **Chapter #2: Failure and Exile! Retrieve the Three Strongest Warriors!**

 **South Park belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Comedy Central.**

 **South Park: The Stick of Truth belongs to Obsidian Entertainment, South Park Digital Studios, and Ubisoft.**

 **I only own the custom-made persona used for the New Kid.**

As Gale followed Cartman into the war tent, Gale saw a small light shining over a small pedestal. On top of the pedestal was… a stick. He had absolutely no idea why something like a mere stick would be displayed in such a manner. But then, Cartman spoke.

"Well, here it is," He explained." The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die... The Stick of Truth."

Gale was quite surprised at first, but then he realized that this must be all part of the game and its story. From what little info he could gather, he pieced together that the main plot behind this LARP is that humans and elves are fighting each other over a stick.

"Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves," continued Cartman. "Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe."

"So that's the object of the game?" Inquired Gale. "Take the Stick and try to keep it?" "Well, if you wanna fucking break character, then yeah." Cartman retorted, annoyed at Gale's bluntness. However, Gale couldn't help but stare at the Stick quizzically.

"Don't gaze at it too long!" Cartman warned Gale. "For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!" Deciding to play along to appease Cartman, Gale turned his head and shielded his eyes with his arm.

"Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues." Explained Cartman. "Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductable-"

But just then, he was interrupted by the sound of an alarm going off. Or rather, Butters shouting "ALARM! ALARM ALARM!" at the top of his lungs.

"Someone has sounded the alarm!" Cartman blurted out. Butters ran into the war tent, shock and horror written across his face. "Alarm alarm alarm!"

"What is it!?" Cartman asked. "The elves are attacking!" Replied Butters. "Oh my GOD! Defensive positions!" Ordered Cartman. He and Butters ran outside to fight the invading elf forces. Gale unsheathed his sword, and went outside, readying himself for battle.

Outside, Gale and the people of Kupa Keep could see several elven soldiers marching towards the backyard gate. They appeared to be led by a boy with blonde curly hair. Cartman ordered his troops to mount a defense around the fortress.

"Man the gate! Don't let them through!" "Who the hell is that?" Gale asked, inquiring about the blonde elf. "Chris Donnely," Cartman answered. "He's one of the elven captains." Just then, Donnely gave out his demands. "Give us the Stick, humans!" But Cartman wouldn't have any of it. "Fuck you, Drow Elf! Come and get it!"

"You just said not to let them through!" Gale said in shock. "Why the fuck are you egging them on!?" "Shut up!" Cartman retorted before turning to Clyde. "Clyde, guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!"

"Aye aye!" Clyde replied, running off to the war tent, where the Stick lied. "Aye aye? We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde!" Cartman reprimanded. He then turned to Gale. "Gale, this is your chance to prove yourself. Hold off the asshole elves at all costs!"

Raising his Warrior's Blade, Gale readied himself for battle. "Right!" He then charged into the battlefield, preparing for his first proper fight against Drow Elves. "Do it, Gale!" Cartman cheered. "Kick these elves' asses!"

As Gale entered the fray, he was met with an onslaught of arrows fired from elven bows. "Agh! Son of a bitch!" He cried. But Cartman decided to step in. "You're wounded, Gale! Potions will heal you! Here!" He then tossed a bag of Cheesy Poofs to Gale. Catching it in his hands, Gale then immediately ate them.

"The rules say you can have one potion every turn." Cartman explained. "I asked for five but this was the compromise." Just then, Gale saw an Elven Defender preparing to strike him. Luckily, Cartman was quick with instructions. "This guy's fast, Gale. Try to block all his attacks." Gale did as he was told, and blocked the Defender's attacks with ease.

The Defender had put too much energy into his attacks. He had ended up tiring himself out far too early. Gale then took this opportunity to counterattack, his blade swinging into his enemy's weak and helpless body.

Cartman was elated at Gale's success. "Awesome! You kicked his helpless ass!" He cheered. "Now finish off these elves in the name of the Wizard King." Gale simply nodded, and charged into his enemies, sword swinging. An Elven Bowman tried to mark him, but Gale wasn't falling for that again, and knocked the elf's bow out of his hands.

The Bowman and the Defender had no choice but to retreat, and at that moment, Cartman saw the bow lying at Gale's feet.

"Gale! The elf's bow! Take it!" Gale was surprised. "What? You want me to take that guy's bow for myself?" Cartman was annoyed at his dumbfounded response. "No shit Sherlock, isn't that what I just said?" He chided. "Take the goddamn bow! Your king commands it!"

Feeling a little guilty about taking his enemy's weapon, Gale decided to just take the bow anyway, and prepared to finish off the remaining elven forces.

Try as the Drow Elves might, they could not stand up to Gale and the rest of Kupa Keep's soldiers, as they were ready for any and all of the elves' tricks. Riposting, Reflecting, Shields, or Armor, nothing the elves tried worked. They had no choice but to retreat.

"Drow Elves! Fall back! Fall back, I say!" Donnely cried. They obeyed, and ran away like a bunch of fucking pussies. Cartman was gloating with laughter as his kingdom's victory.

"YES! Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! _NA NA NA NAAA NA! We still control the universe! HA HA HA HA HAAA HA!_ "

But just then, Clyde came back with horrible news. "It's gone." Cartman was shocked. "What?" He inquired, not hoping to hear what he thought he was gonna hear. Unfortunately, he did, as Clyde confirmed, "The Stick of Truth. The elves got it."

Flabbergasted, Cartman bellowed with extreme anger. " ** _THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!_** " After a moment of contemplation, Cartman decided upon Clyde's punishment for his failure.

"Clyde… You are hereby _banished from space and time!_ " Clyde was flabbergasted. "What!? No! You can't do that!" He protested, but Cartman was king, and he wouldn't have any of Clyde's defiance. "Yeah I can! You're banished, and lost in time and space!" "Yeah! Go home, Clyde!" Butters added.

Clyde left Cartman's backyard, staring daggers at Gale as he walked. Gale felt a chill down his space from Clyde's piercing, begrudging glare.

Cartman was terribly disappointed in Clyde, but he couldn't be prouder of Gale. "You fought bravely on the battlefield, Gale." "Yeah, this New Kid may be a douchebag, but he sure can fight!" Scott followed up with. "Shut up, Scott. Nobody cares what you think." Retorted Cartman. _"Harsh, dude."_ Gale thought to himself.

"Anyways, we have a bigger problem now!" Cartman stated. "The Stick of Truth has been stolen, and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back." However, Butters reminded Cartman of something important.

"But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my King!" "Our newest member can take care of that." Cartman assured. "Gale, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors: Token, Tweek, and Craig."

He then whipped out his phone to help Gale with his mission. "I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now."

Gale looked at his own phone, and saw the faces of who Cartman wanted him to retrieve. "But beware." Cartman warned. "The lands outside are full of marauding Drow Elves, monsters, and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here!"

Understanding the mission, Gale simply replied with "You got it, Your Majesty!" Cartman smiled at Gale finally getting into character. He then gave out one last command. "Butters, go with him."

Gale was surprised. "Oh, I get someone to fight with me? Sweet! Let's do this, Butters!" "What, you- you want me to fight with you?" Butters inquired with surprise and eagerness. "Okay! This paladin is ready to kick some ass!" Gale then went to equip himself properly at the weapons shop.

As Clyde was banished, Scott was now the one in charge of Kupa Keep's weaponry. "Guess I'm minding the shop now. You need any weapons or armor?" After Gale equipped himself with the best he could acquire, he and Butters headed out of Cartman's backyard into the streets of South Park. Their quest had begun.

Meanwhile, at Larnion, Donnely's squadron was reporting about their success of stealing the Stick to Elf King Kyle Broflovski. "We… Got the Stick." One of the elves panted in exhaustion. "But we barely made it out. That New Kid is strong as hell."

Kyle was quick to reassure his men. "Well, as long as we have the Stick, that's all that matters."

But Donnely was just as quick to retort. "You don't understand because you didn't see it for yourself! That New Kid pretty much soloed our entire squadron! He's clearly established himself as a dangerous adversary, probably stronger than any other threat we've faced thus far!"

But Kyle's best Ranger, Stan Marsh, objected in defense of his king. "Is that any way to talk to your king, Donnely!?" "No Stan, I think he might have a point." Kyle replied. "If the New Kid was really capable of soloing Donnely's squad, we should try and take care of him ASAP."

But just then, a rough, gravelly voice spoke from beside Kyle. "Let me take him on. I'll rip him apart."

The voice belonged to a hooded elf wearing a black mask concealing the top of the elf's head. The hood was a dark pine green, and the rest of the elf's clothing was mostly standard Drow Elf wear, aside from two silver pauldrons on the shoulders. "Elliot?" Kyle inquired. "You want to fight the New Kid?"

"Isn't that what I just said, Your Majesty?" Elliot replied, in an apparently forcefully guttural voice. "I'll make that New Kid wish he'd never been born!" But Kyle was hesitant. "Actually, I think we should leave this one to Stan here-"

" _God damn it,_ you're _always_ leaving everything to Stan!" Elliot barked back. "Don't you remember!? First time I got here, I fucking decimated him in sparring!" Stan was, of course, offended at the call-back to his previous humiliation.

"Fuck you, that was a lucky shot!" But Elliot continued to elaborate. "I worked my way up to your third best warrior, and I never get the chance to go on any raids or shit like Donnely just did!"

"Even if you had joined me, you still wouldn't have won." Donnely replied. " _What the fuck was that, dickface!?_ " Argued Elliot. "Don't you remember how I kicked the humans' asses last week!? I was even able to get the Stick from them until they stole it two days ago like a bunch of bitches!"

"That was before the New Kid arrived." Counterargued Donnely. "He's nothing like any of the other humans you've fought before. If you try to take him on one-on-one, he'll-"

" _Cower at my knees bloodied and broken, that's what he'll do!_ " Elliot screamed, finally running out of patience. " _I'll show you! I'm gonna turn that son of a bitch into mincemeat!_ " Elliot then ran out from Kyle's backyard.

"God damn it, why does Elliot always have to be like that?" Groaned Kyle. But Stan tried to reassure him. "Maybe we _should_ leave this one to Elliot, dude. I mean, Elliot _is_ our third best warrior."

But Kyle was still worried. "I know, dude. But… What if Elliot gets found out?" Knowing what Kyle was talking about, Stan replied with "Oh, you're still worried about the secret?" "I wouldn't be if it weren't for that damn Wizard Fat Ass!" Kyle confirmed.

But Stan continued to reassure Kyle. "Don't worry, we've still got soldiers stationed all across town. Elliot probably won't even make it to the New Kid before the New Kid gets his ass kicked."

Feeling a little better, Kyle replied with "I guess you're right. I just wish Cartman was more open-minded. God damn it." He then gave out a sigh of annoyance.

Gale and Butters made their way from Cartman's house all the way to near the inner streets of the town. It was there that Butters saw a snowman standing on the side of the road.

"Oh, wow, what's this snowman doing here?" He asked. "It wasn't there a few hours ago."

But just then, four enemy elves popped out from underneath the snowman. "Oh, hamburgers!" Butters cried.

Gale raised his sword to battle. The elves simply taunted him. "These lands hold many dangers, New Kid!"

"Yeah, you moved to the wrong realm!"

"Nice hair, douchebag." But Gale was getting increasingly annoyed with that term. "Why does everyone keep calling me a fucking douchebag!? _You're_ douchebags!" One of the elves simply responded by smacking Gale with his elven sword. "Agh! Fuck!"

It was then that Butters stepped in to aid Gale.

"You're hurt! This looks like a job for Paladin Butters!" He then patted Gale on the back, which inexplicably healed the damage Gale had received.

"Holy shit, that's awesome, Butters!" "Thanks!" Butters replied. "I'm a paladin, it's what I do!" He then prepared to strike the elves with his hammer. They went down fairly easily.

Gale then stepped in the fray, his sword swinging in every direction, and the elves were simply overwhelmed.

They ended up passing out on the ground. Gale then took this opportunity to take any cash and/or items they had on them. He figured since he took one of their bows, to the victor go the spoils.

He then turned to Butters to ask "Butters, which of the three warriors is closest to here?" "I think Craig is. His house is only a little over that way." Butters answered, pointing behind Gale. They then made their way to Craig's house.

Upon arriving at Craig's front door, Gale knocked. An older man with red hair and blue clothes opened the door, whom Gale immediately realized was Craig's dad. "Um, can Craig come out to play?" Inquired Gale.

"Ya lookin' for Craig?" Craig's dad replied. "Well, he can't play. He's in detention. Something about flippin' off the principal." He then closed the door.

"Aw, damn it." Gale muttered. "We better get to the other guys first!" Said Butters. "Let's try Tweek. The coffee shop he works at is just around the northeast edge of town!"

" _A kid working in a coffee shop? What the hell?_ " Gale pondered. But nevertheless, Gale and Butters made their way to Tweek Bros. Coffee, powering through any and all of the elves that were in their way.

After arriving at the coffee shop, a man at the front counter greeted the two. "Welcome to Tweek Coffee. Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It's local coffee. Brewed locally. Tweek? TWEEEEK!"

Gale then heard anxious stammering and yelping from behind a door in the back. "Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients?" Tweek's dad inquired.

"AAAHGHGH NOT YET DAD! I'M STILL TRYING TO DO ALL MY CHORES!" Gale then realized the man at the counter was Tweek's dad. "Well hurry up, son, the family business is relying on you!" Tweek's dad replied, which was only met with more anxious screaming.

"That's kind of a lot of pressure you're putting on him." Gale retorted. "I KNOW, RIGHT!?" Tweek cried in response. "YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT!" Gale then decided to go in the back room.

Tweek was a boy with frizzy blonde hair, an improperly-buttoned shirt, and twitchy eyes. He looked like he just got out of bed, if he ever even went to begin with. He was scurrying about the back room, trying to complete his chores.

"AHGHGHGH! How am I supposed to do all this?! There's no way, man! Starbucks has like eight employees! Here it's just me! GAHGHGH!" This certainly wasn't a good way to make a first impression. However, Gale decided to talk to Tweek anyway.

"Uh, hi. We kinda need your help playing Fighters of Zaron." "AH! NOW?! The guys need me now?!" Tweek cried. "Oh there's no way man! I have WAY too much to do! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?! Wait - YOU!" Tweek said, pointing to Gale.

"Could you go get the four o'clock delivery for me?! If you do I can finish here and then - and then I'll still have time to play! PLEASE! Would you?!" Gale simply nodded.

"It's at Kenny's house - like always! Y-you give them THIS - They'll give you the delivery!" Tweek handed Gale a slip of paper. It was a delivery order. "Where's Kenny's house?" Gale asked. "Over on the southeast part of town!" Butters answered. "Then let's go!" Gale declared, and they were off.

"Sure is a lot of walking." Butters remarked, on their way to Kenny's house. "Butters, do you think you could shut up for a few minutes?" Gale said. Soon they were at Kenny's house, which was a total fucking mess. The building looked like it was ready to fall apart, and hell, some of it actually did.

"Pretty filthy living space for a princess." Gale snarked. He then knocked on Kenny's front door, which was answered by a redheaded woman, obviously Kenny's mom, opening the door, and asking a simple "What?" Gale then gave Kenny's mom the delivery order.

"Oh this isn't for me. This is for the nice people who are renting the guest house out in the back." Gale was surprised. "G-guest house?" But Butters set it straight. "She means the garage."

Looking inside the garage, Gale then saw several homeless people… Cooking crystal meth. "Oh, Jesus Christ." He whispered in shock. "Um... You wouldn't happen to have a package for Tweek Coffee, would you?" He muttered in anxiety.

"Yeah, yeah. We got the package for Tweek Coffee." One of the homeless man answered. "You got the envelope?" Gale handed over the order. Just then another homeless man realized something about Gale. "Hey... that's not the usual kid that picks up the package."

"Huh? Oh shit. It's a COP!" "What!?" Gale cried. "NO, we're not-" But before he could finish, the homeless people were swinging lead pipes and chucking glass beer bottles at him and Butters.

"Oh, fuck! Butters, we gotta fight!" "Um, okay!" Butters then raised his hammer to the sky.

"Butters?" Inquired Gale. "Shh, wait for it…" Butters replied. "Hammer… of… STORMS!" Butters then pointed his hammer in the direction of the homeless meth heads, lightning shooting out from the hammer, shocking the homeless severely. They were knocked out almost instantly.

"Holy fucking SHIT, that's badass!" Gale cried in amazement.

"That's paladins for ya," Butters replied, rubbing his upper lip in pride. "We protect the innocent, and fuck up the guilty!" They then headed back to Tweek.

Gale actually kind of felt proud of himself. For once, he was making lasting friendships. Helping them out and banding together for the sake of achieving a common goal. But he knew he couldn't get cocky. After all, the adventure had just begun.

Gale and Butters then made their way back into the back room of the coffee shop.

Tweek was, as always, nervous as fuck. "Did you get it? DID YOU GET IT!?" He cried, super-anxious. Gale handed the delivery over to Tweek.

"You did it! You got the pickup! Oh thanks, man! DAD!" Tweek's dad stepped inside the back room. "I finished my work can I go play?"

"Where's today's delivery?" Asked Tweek's dad. "Right here!" Replied Tweek, handing it over. Tweek's dad then sampled a taste of it.

"Hmm, yup, that's good shit. Alright, Tweek, you can play for a little bit." He confirmed. "But be home before dark or you'll be grounded. Grounded - like the fresh grinds of our all-organic Tweek blend, made with ingredients from local tweakers."

Tweek was actually a little elated. "Thanks kid. I gotta go get changed then I'll meet you at the kingdom!" He then ran outside.

"Alright, one down, two to go." Gale said. "Let's hurry over to Token next! He lives over in the gated mansion northwest of here!" Said Butters.

After leaving the coffee shop, they headed over to Token's house, unaware of the hooded figure that was stalking them. "Just you wait, New Kid. I'm gonna fuck you up something fierce."

 **To be continued…**


End file.
